Malk & Kookies The Malkavian Tabloid Vol.1 Iss. 5

Malk & Kookies The Malkavian Tabloid Vol.1 Iss. 5
 
FINALLY, after many nights, I have put together a somewhat 
coherent issue. You see, the Malks are Olympic FANATICS. 
Apparently, one of their elders actually started the Olympics 
as a typical Malkavian Prank. My house is in shambles. When 
these guys get together to watch the special live broadcast, 
they like to celebrate and carry on, much like frat guys watching 
a football game. Try cleaning up after Lucian sets my TV on fire 
with a Walk of Flames just because he thinks the medals should 
be Newcastle Brown Ale bottle caps. I tell you, I think the 
Olympics are a bad influence on them. This sudden surge of 
Nationalism has them at each other's throats, and if I can't 
keep the peace, there's gonna be trouble at the Closing Ceremonies...
 
IN THIS ISSUE:
MALKAVIAN OLYMPIC EVENTS:
MEN'S 4 X 100M PANTS-ON-FIRE RELAY
WOMEN'S GYMNASTICS DEMOLITION DERBY
SYNCHRONIZED SALAD DRESSING
FART JUMP
WOMEN'S JUMPING
FENCING
HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT
POET'S CORNER
CARD OF THE MONTH
DECK OF THE MONTH
 
MALKAVIAN OLYMPIC EVENTS
Anchored by Damaskenos
 
Welcome ports fans! I am Damaskenos, the herald of Leandro, 
and as part of my duties, it is my duty to (im)part some of 
my wonderful knowledge of ports. Ports are very important to 
humans and vampires alike, as they can profit both types of 
creature. Let me tell you about my favorite ports. New York 
City is nice. So is Houston. San Francisco sucks, as does most 
of Portugal. The nicest port I've ever been to must have been 
Baltimore. Ports are very economically viable sources of 
financial economy. Like a type of wine, ports tend to age very 
well if they can keep up with the times. Some ports are very 
original, almost vintage, while others seem mere copies of 
something else. Ports can help with compatibility problems, 
like the farmer and the cowhand that should be friends. One 
thing to keep in mind is whether a port's ability can make it 
easy for you to move around. I remember this time I was trying 
to increase my import ants but the damn insects kept ruining 
my business. They kept plugging up the wrong holes in my computer 
and nothing could connect properly. In a parallel vein I spilt 
my cereal into the keyboard. The insects ate up the mess, but 
their antics had me removed from the country... what? Speak up, 
Victoria, I can't hear you... Leandro wanted me to cover Sports...
not Ports... you're sure about this... look you little Setite bitch 

 
MEN'S 4 X 100M PANTS-ON-FIRE RELAY
by Artemis
-This is a fun event. Get 4 male kine. Make them chase each other 
around a city block. Set fire to the first male's pants. Get your 
packmates to get their own team.
 
WOMEN'S GYMNASTIC DEMOLITION DERBY
By Zebulon
-During the women's gymnastics events, slightly move the horse when 
they attempt a vault, or trip them when they tumble across the floor, 
or grab their ankles when they attempt to do some flips. Oh yeah, be 
invisible. If you've been watching the Sydney Games at all, you'll 
know why I've been laughing so much lately. Of course, I'm blind, but 
what do you know? 
 
SYNCHRONIZED SALAD DRESSING
By Boy Toy
-Kidnap some stupid kine. Tie them to a chair. You and some buddies 
take turns spraying them with ranch, thousand island, vinegar, bleu 
cheese, French, and honey mustard, while the stereo plays the soundtracks 
to various luxury car commercials.
 
FART JUMP
By Mariel, Lady Thunder
-I'm not even going to do this, you little spikes. 
Make fun of my name, will ya?
 
WOMEN'S JUMPING
By Cornelius Ottavio
-Jump. Do it again. Someone will win.
 
FENCING
By Aleph (imitating Timothy Crowley)
-Race to see who can sequester 1 acre of prairie land. YEEHAW!
 
HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT
By Normal
It's tough smelling like teen spirit. I just wanna fight some foos. 
Grohl grohl grohl I grohl at an alley cat and it runs away. Man this 
is tough. Hey man, get off my back.
 
POET'S CORNER
By Zebulon
We are undercover passion on the run
Chasing love up against the sun
We are strangers by day, lovers by night
Knowing it's so wrong, but feeling so right
 
CARD OF THE MONTH
By Ozmo
God, Normal is useless. Useless. Utterly useless. Pansy. The card 
of the month is the Locutus Trading Card. He would make a cool 
looking ally card. Tickle me +1 Scotty. Bleeeehhhh.
 
DECK OF THE MONTH:
 
SPECIAL OLYMPICS
By Artemis
 
Crypt:
2xMarlene the Infernalist
1xSalbatore Bokkenegro
3xArtemis
2xPetru Sipos
1xLolita
3xIan Forrestal
 
Master:
4 Fortitude
2 Dementate
2 Chimerstry
2 Serpentis
2 Presence
2 Minion Tap
1 Festivo dello Estinto
3 Misdirection
 
Action Cards:
4 Mind of a Child
4 Mind Numb
4 Sensory Deprivation
4 Mark of Damnation
4 Restoration
4 Precognizant Mobility
 
Mods:
Stealth
 
Combat:
Fortitude stuff
 
Reaction:
Light auspex
 
After you're done with your prey's vampires, 
they couldn't even win participation awards.