Malk & Kookies The Malkavian Tabloid Vol.1 Iss. 5 FINALLY, after many nights, I have put together a somewhat coherent issue. You see, the Malks are Olympic FANATICS. Apparently, one of their elders actually started the Olympics as a typical Malkavian Prank. My house is in shambles. When these guys get together to watch the special live broadcast, they like to celebrate and carry on, much like frat guys watching a football game. Try cleaning up after Lucian sets my TV on fire with a Walk of Flames just because he thinks the medals should be Newcastle Brown Ale bottle caps. I tell you, I think the Olympics are a bad influence on them. This sudden surge of Nationalism has them at each other's throats, and if I can't keep the peace, there's gonna be trouble at the Closing Ceremonies... IN THIS ISSUE: MALKAVIAN OLYMPIC EVENTS: MEN'S 4 X 100M PANTS-ON-FIRE RELAY WOMEN'S GYMNASTICS DEMOLITION DERBY SYNCHRONIZED SALAD DRESSING FART JUMP WOMEN'S JUMPING FENCING HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT POET'S CORNER CARD OF THE MONTH DECK OF THE MONTH MALKAVIAN OLYMPIC EVENTS Anchored by Damaskenos Welcome ports fans! I am Damaskenos, the herald of Leandro, and as part of my duties, it is my duty to (im)part some of my wonderful knowledge of ports. Ports are very important to humans and vampires alike, as they can profit both types of creature. Let me tell you about my favorite ports. New York City is nice. So is Houston. San Francisco sucks, as does most of Portugal. The nicest port I've ever been to must have been Baltimore. Ports are very economically viable sources of financial economy. Like a type of wine, ports tend to age very well if they can keep up with the times. Some ports are very original, almost vintage, while others seem mere copies of something else. Ports can help with compatibility problems, like the farmer and the cowhand that should be friends. One thing to keep in mind is whether a port's ability can make it easy for you to move around. I remember this time I was trying to increase my import ants but the damn insects kept ruining my business. They kept plugging up the wrong holes in my computer and nothing could connect properly. In a parallel vein I spilt my cereal into the keyboard. The insects ate up the mess, but their antics had me removed from the country... what? Speak up, Victoria, I can't hear you... Leandro wanted me to cover Sports... not Ports... you're sure about this... look you little Setite bitchMEN'S 4 X 100M PANTS-ON-FIRE RELAY by Artemis -This is a fun event. Get 4 male kine. Make them chase each other around a city block. Set fire to the first male's pants. Get your packmates to get their own team. WOMEN'S GYMNASTIC DEMOLITION DERBY By Zebulon -During the women's gymnastics events, slightly move the horse when they attempt a vault, or trip them when they tumble across the floor, or grab their ankles when they attempt to do some flips. Oh yeah, be invisible. If you've been watching the Sydney Games at all, you'll know why I've been laughing so much lately. Of course, I'm blind, but what do you know? SYNCHRONIZED SALAD DRESSING By Boy Toy -Kidnap some stupid kine. Tie them to a chair. You and some buddies take turns spraying them with ranch, thousand island, vinegar, bleu cheese, French, and honey mustard, while the stereo plays the soundtracks to various luxury car commercials. FART JUMP By Mariel, Lady Thunder -I'm not even going to do this, you little spikes. Make fun of my name, will ya? WOMEN'S JUMPING By Cornelius Ottavio -Jump. Do it again. Someone will win. FENCING By Aleph (imitating Timothy Crowley) -Race to see who can sequester 1 acre of prairie land. YEEHAW! HOW TO LIVE ON .01 LITERS A NIGHT By Normal It's tough smelling like teen spirit. I just wanna fight some foos. Grohl grohl grohl I grohl at an alley cat and it runs away. Man this is tough. Hey man, get off my back. POET'S CORNER By Zebulon We are undercover passion on the run Chasing love up against the sun We are strangers by day, lovers by night Knowing it's so wrong, but feeling so right CARD OF THE MONTH By Ozmo God, Normal is useless. Useless. Utterly useless. Pansy. The card of the month is the Locutus Trading Card. He would make a cool looking ally card. Tickle me +1 Scotty. Bleeeehhhh. DECK OF THE MONTH: SPECIAL OLYMPICS By Artemis Crypt: 2xMarlene the Infernalist 1xSalbatore Bokkenegro 3xArtemis 2xPetru Sipos 1xLolita 3xIan Forrestal Master: 4 Fortitude 2 Dementate 2 Chimerstry 2 Serpentis 2 Presence 2 Minion Tap 1 Festivo dello Estinto 3 Misdirection Action Cards: 4 Mind of a Child 4 Mind Numb 4 Sensory Deprivation 4 Mark of Damnation 4 Restoration 4 Precognizant Mobility Mods: Stealth Combat: Fortitude stuff Reaction: Light auspex After you're done with your prey's vampires, they couldn't even win participation awards.